Requiem
I’ll have a son one day.
He’ll probably be a mixed child, a rare exception to my theories of gene coupling and human species progression.
Damian…
Damian Moore
He will be intelligent, strong willed, and fit…but he will also inherit this madness. We, my family, have suffered this burden for the good of others for generations… It came from Mom’s side, they’re all hyper intelligent, but driven mad and delightfully nutty by it. Balance and coming to terms with it and applying it are the only ways he will be able to bare it.
He must come to understand that the burden of it all, is his alone to bear..but the gift, the gift is for the betterment of our people, humanity…
But he…
We, will never escape this…
Ahh, now that he’s gone I am free again.
Free to experiment…to create…
I am…more well-educated now, the underground markets fund my research…I will be my own test subject and creation. The perfect human, the next step in our species.
Madness…sometimes necessary for progress.
There is no one who holds my emotions enough to cause me shame or present impetus to stop…though I fear she may attain that ability soon enough…
She makes me happy, satisfies my baser needs and something uniquely human. She knows me…she knows I’m hyper intelligent and aggressive and assertive in most aspects… but she can only stop the research if she knows the insanity I contain each day.
There will not be a crisis this time.
No police.
No jail.
I wrote mom a letter, haven’t decided to send it or not.
It does not matter what happens now. I know that I will never be able to avoid a chaotic end that would only harm those around me.
I’ve begun writing so that others may have the knowledge and avenues of though I have to offer.
This…”Autism” however threatens to make it impossible for me to continue my research and in a collegiate career after the student phase.
I even wrote on drugs. Did it…it was great…until my girlfriend at the time called…and apparently I was the only one who registered shame and pain for making her worry and disappointing her. It’s an interesting chapter.
I wrote on love and a single person too, despite having dated many, only one ever stood out to the point worthy of recognition.
Theories…
The human mind….
literature….
everything I know of physics and how i want to apply them is in there too.
It will be a library’s worth…it will still take years though…
but it’s not done yet…
I can feel her closing in…
I tried to make contact before. I am too aggressive now. The quiet kind of aggression. I don’t control it anymore, merely contain it.
I am fine now, but I’ve spent time in my own dreams, searching for answers.
I having found my conclusion. I will end violently, I was predisposed to this. She made me fall in love and made me blind to this fact for years. I am a genetic mistake, and destined to be a menace. I want to study, to practice my science…But Dr. Jekyll is losing the fight to Mr.Hyde.
A beautiful mind is a terrifying thing.
I loved her. But she abandoned me without another word one day, ignorant to the pivotal role she played in my future. I only wish to help others, not hurt, so I must leave when it happens…
So much rage…
So much hatred…
So much ignorance!
ARROGANT PIGS!
….
I see you.
Enjoy the show.
Everyone around me is in danger.
I fear myself, forever driven by hatred, rage, fear.
It only subsides with love, sex, or violence.
The sex is not enough to subdue me…
I haven’t even been with her long enough to truly say I love her. I only ever said “I Love you” to one person, so that will not subdue me either…
Another incident is about to occur. The kind that happened back in Gwinnett. The only one safe from me is my girlfriend, as always.
I must be alone again.
…but should I allow such scum to escape from me…
…no. He should not be allowed to continue with his crimes.
(via panda-moniumide)
It is unfortunate that we have the unique ability to learn from the mistakes of others…yet naive people still fall for the tricks of the people who readily abuse them….unfortunately, she, like the others will only learn from experience, poor girl…
…no…
stupid girl.
Any idea what mental hell you’ve put me through? Every day, every night, every fucking moment spent in pain…because of you.
You made a promise…I kept mine…but now I know..
You never had any fucking intention of keeping your fucking promise from the start…
I know who you’re with…I tried to deny it for so long…thinking you words were unbreakable…
You really are with another guy..you have been…enjoy your temporary fucking fix when he leaves you…I’d never do it to you…but you’ve tortured me long enough you bitch…
Now that you’re with this David guy…
So tonight, I’m bringing over the and stepping the relationship up to sex, tonight….And I suppose it only makes it better that her name happens to be Jasmine. I’m going to fuck Jasmine tonight because after all this time, you weren’t worth waiting for, you’d throw me to the fucking curb for convenience sake just like you have before…
If you’re reading this…please, speak to me again…
A single day hasn’t gone by that I haven’t thought of you, no nightmare or dream has been without you…and I can no longer turn to my dreams to be with you…
After all this time…I still love you just as always & forever
…only wishes to control the future.
It is happening again. I did everything right this time to keep it from repeating…just like she said to…she said it would only repeat if I let it…
They won’t leave me alone…is it a self fulfilling prophecy? They followed me across the state…can I never escape the past? I wonder if they ever thought that the relentless pursuit of me and criminalizing me would only push to create what they purport to be trying to prevent?
What should I really have expected from a liar’s tongue anyway…
I was not only ready…but already giving up every thing for her. I never told her the arguments and fights over her with dad. He promised me he “wouldn’t have any son of his be with a nigger”. I told him he could never stop me, nothing he could do could break me. He said he knew that, so his promise was to disown me, remove me from the will and family. I accepted it.
He told me not to be stupid and throw away a multi million dollar fortune for a girl. I told him I’d make my own millions just fine without him, after all, that’s what he did, and his father too.
Everything to lose but my freedom to walk outside has been taken from me…And the only person I’ve felt true emotions for is gone. Permanently. I’ve always been driven by fear, but I couldn’t tell her that…so I told her that she was my drive…but apparently mr. right doesn’t always say the right things…
Thoughts and worries of her..whether she’s safe or happy block my thoughts toward science and happiness constantly…still…
With little to nothing left to fear…What now?
To War? The Marines…Dad will be proud, but the same son will never come back…perhaps that’s why he’d be proud then.
It seems the only place for me now…She quelled the nightmares…and sparked the passionate mind, the child-like wonder with the world…
The nightmares are becoming reality…
But what will I become…I haven’t been so terrorized by my own mind since Riverside… The horror of what I did with my own hands was bad…but standing there feeling nothing…I couldn’t feel anything…nothing… That is the real horror, the hallmark of a monster…
I’ve been terrified since…wondering…what will I be…what if I lose everything…will I be the same as then?
Am I…just a killing machine? I couldn’t ever tell her why suicide was always such a go to option for me…If I don’t prevent myself from becoming a monster…then what will I do? How many innocents will I harm?…
I find it strange how I used to be so concerned about her and other guys..
Now that it’s too late…and I’m sure someone else has her, only now do I realize that I don’t care…
Yes she has the body of a goddess..and I did feel the need to guard it jealously…but I wonder now if I am being weak or if it was because she truly was the love of my life that I love her, not her body, so I wouldn’t care about her having been with someone else if it meant even a brief conversation with her..
I do miss her… and I hope she’s been well.
I know I may not have made it as clear to her as I should have, or done the things to make her think so…But I love her, still as strongly as when we had our intimate and unimaginably close kisses..caresses…and the embrace…
I’ve kissed a number of girls, and even known one much more closely…but still, I have yet to feel that perfect serenity as I did with her. I know she’s likely moved on…And may suffer consequence if she ever speaks to me again, but I still love her, as I always have, and always will.
Happy Valentine’s Day Love…
:3
