I have an apparent disorder, I need some one to hold me together from lashing out and attacking everything and everyone in my path.
Am I like Stalin then? Always seeing enemies, traitors, sinners… Wanting to obliterate them, make them my hellish play toy to show an example of others the cruelty they will face if they betray my trust…
I am detached yet overwhelmed from my emotions. To function logically and in a progressive manner, I must subdue and subvert them from myself.
But they are powerful over my mind, they can overpower all restraint through sheer force. They must escape at times, rage, hatred, anger, a war like mentality… They can only be diffused by an object of passion, like a love.
If I have no one at my side, I lose direction…I become what? A warmonger?
What is normally intense love and compassion in a relationship is converted to rage and strife outside of one…I become unstable.
I need the shackles to keep me from destroying myself and those around me..friends, family, and enemies alike…
..And I never forget when some one tears those shackles away and release this hell from within.
I know that several of these feel amazing.. so I need to try out the rest.
Have the t-shirt.
Click photo for credit.
Mmm how handy
Ooohhhh this is beautiful, it’s like someone’s been watching me, I’m just gonna keep this right here ;D
I spent this weekend with Jasmin…
She keeps me happy, and I had a wonderful time…
and my heart still aches for the one who abandoned me…
It stings a bit to say even “Love you” to her because it feels inside that those words and especially “I Love you” belong to the girl who abandoned me…
I thought these feelings were gone…but I just haven’t had time alone with my own head for a while…
Times like this…I don’t feel like living, and wonder how I ever did in the first place…
..What the hell am I even doing in school? Where am I going with this? What was the point of all this?
I’m so very tired now…
I seem predisposed to always be the villain, no matter my intentions or whether I am the good or bad side of a conflict.
It fits me so well…And I can’t escape it
My mind seems to have slipped into a crusader mindset more similar to Hitler really… He was a monster, yes. But also a visionary, to rid the world of evil people and the lesser of the human race, and the monsters of the human race…it would take a monster itself to commit such an act.
But why the Jews I must wonder… Yes they have always been marauders and taking land that is not theirs claiming their god commanded it…but they are nowhere near the scum of humanity…
I seem to have developed a strict moral code, I shun and aggres toward what any religion would call sinners…so am I still a villain if I’m stomping out evil people?
As the modern world would see it…yes, sadly.
panda-moniumide said: Why can't you leave Ken alone? He doesn't want trouble.
I have left him alone, although I did wake up to his dog in my apartment after locking it up the night before on what, Friday? That makes the 4th time he’s broken in. I’ve been left alone so far for 2 days now. If he doesn’t want trouble he’ll just let this continue and not bother me like the last 2 days.
However, my friends and others around campus are protective, so if he talks about me or tries to elicit hostility toward me from other people, he will get blowback quickly from them, and then from me. I’m done being passive, the slightest offense will set me on the offensive now, so the only option is to pretend I don’t exist and pretend he never met me ;D
He picked a legal battle with the wrong person. Let’s see how Ken does against my celebrity lawyer XD.
He should get a phone call from Mr. Lloyd soon~
panda-moniumide said: Are you crazy?
Absurd question, I’m not crazy. Just being driven mad by constant thinking. Driven mad slowly by the fact that I am different, I wanted to be normal all my life, but that simply never happened. So to the ignorant eye…I guess they would call me crazy for lack of understanding.
Do you know when you meet someone crazy? You do have a true crazy person at your side you know.
I’ll have a son one day.
He’ll probably be a mixed child, a rare exception to my theories of gene coupling and human species progression.
He will be intelligent, strong willed, and fit…but he will also inherit this madness. We, my family, have suffered this burden for the good of others for generations… It came from Mom’s side, they’re all hyper intelligent, but driven mad and delightfully nutty by it. Balance and coming to terms with it and applying it are the only ways he will be able to bare it.
He must come to understand that the burden of it all, is his alone to bear..but the gift, the gift is for the betterment of our people, humanity…
We, will never escape this…
Ahh, now that he’s gone I am free again.
Free to experiment…to create…
I am…more well-educated now, the underground markets fund my research…I will be my own test subject and creation. The perfect human, the next step in our species.
Madness…sometimes necessary for progress.
There is no one who holds my emotions enough to cause me shame or present impetus to stop…though I fear she may attain that ability soon enough…
She makes me happy, satisfies my baser needs and something uniquely human. She knows me…she knows I’m hyper intelligent and aggressive and assertive in most aspects… but she can only stop the research if she knows the insanity I contain each day.
There will not be a crisis this time.
I wrote mom a letter, haven’t decided to send it or not.
It does not matter what happens now. I know that I will never be able to avoid a chaotic end that would only harm those around me.
I’ve begun writing so that others may have the knowledge and avenues of though I have to offer.
This…”Autism” however threatens to make it impossible for me to continue my research and in a collegiate career after the student phase.
I even wrote on drugs. Did it…it was great…until my girlfriend at the time called…and apparently I was the only one who registered shame and pain for making her worry and disappointing her. It’s an interesting chapter.
I wrote on love and a single person too, despite having dated many, only one ever stood out to the point worthy of recognition.
The human mind….
everything I know of physics and how i want to apply them is in there too.
It will be a library’s worth…it will still take years though…
but it’s not done yet…